Heartbeat of the Father

I don’t know why I started crying so badly.

I cried and cried and cried then He held me in His arm like how Aunty Ayelan did when I was bawling at church. But the love was so unconditional and I felt so safe. I felt that nothing can hurt me, I’m gonna be alright, I’m safe. He’s my safe heaven. He held me so close, not tight, not squeezing me, but safe and close. I could hear His heartbeat.

I felt like my heart was engage. It was engage with the Father’s heart. Then I was in the place again. The same Light that saved me. I heard the laughter of aborted children. Don’t ask me how I knew those were the laughter of specifically aborted children. I don’t know.

But heaven is a great place, I’m sure. Love you Jesus. Thank you for letting me dive into your grace, I don’t have to do anything to manifest your presence. I just have to be available, be present. Thank You, Your Love chases me wherever I go. You meet me right where I am.

What a joy I found in Jesus!
What a friend I found in Jesus!


Unpredictable – Destiny


I saw this word and I let out a little laugh.

If I could describe what my life now is, it would be “unpredictable”. Who would have predicted that I’ll be brought alive to Christ? Not me 3/4 years ago. But today this word was just running in my head.

When Eve ate that apple, the devil took the the keys of hell. I’m so sure he didn’t predicted that God would send His one and only son for redemption, for the keys of hell, for our names to be written in the Book of Life.

Till then when Mary got pregnant, then the devil knew he screwed up, big time. He tried so hard to get rid of the King of kings. He tried so hard. But Jesus took back the key 🙂 And everyday I thank God that I’m able to live. Not just survive, live abundantly free!

When I saw this word, I also thought of where God had been calling me to. I’m still seeing things in pieces (1 Corinthians 13 – For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.), but I know I’m not called to a place, I’m called closer to Him.

Love you very much Jesus thank you for being so faithful, every seconds of my life, through these years.

Layers of distrust

Intern taught me so much. Not in technical term but how people behave. It’s disappointing, upsetting and it churns my heart, spirit and my guts.

I always choose to trust someone when they say something. Because it sucks to live in distrust/ hurt/ betrayal. My default for someone is deciding to trust them although I don’t feel like.

But people can be so hurt and have Layers and layers of distrust built from their past hurts. Some self created some by others. But I believe that when you put yourself in a situation, you are suppose to know what consequences/responsibilities you have to bear.

For example, if you’re gonna drive a motorbike to somewhere, you have to bear the consequences of getting into an accident on the road. Not that everything ends up in tragedy, but I’m saying we should all count our cost when we do things. Especially when we are doing out of own personal selfish desire. Adults need to learn to count their cost. People with power/voice need to learn to count their cost. 

However, I do understand that those layers of distrust and hurt which lead to being self protective take years to heal. Even more time for them to realise. So I guess I just have to suck it up.


I always remember I have a good Father who got my back. As much as He loves me, He loves them too much to leave them that way. And for that I’m contented.


For now, I just gotta love them with layers or without layers.

“I have only ONE enemy, that’s the devil. Everything else is meant for distraction and temptation. I will pick up no sword unless I’m told. I will not react, I will only respond, and my response is “Jesus”. And His response “Feed my sheep”.”

Promise you Jesus.