Heart Made Whole
I wanted to read Hosting the Presence – Bill Johnson. But if I don’t take care of my heart, I can’t host the presence. I also realised I can’t stand writing with my hand, so typing would be more efficient. Thank the Lord for computer (*shouts millennial Christian)
*Just a record of my thought process, passages from the book that’s BOMB (as in a good way lol.), what I’m going through, good, bad and in between.
A. (don’t like labelling things, but only way I can keep track)
As I sit in a coffee shop writing these pages just five months after losing my daughter to a condition I didn’t even know existed, called anencephaly, I have already had three people stop by my table and ask with genuine concern, “How are you really doing, Christa?”
When people have asked me this, most of them expect me to lie, rambling off the cliche answer, “Oh, I’m fine,” to try to avoid an awkward moment. Some might think I will clam up and change the subject, or possibly even burst into tears. And when the uncontrollable tears do flow from time to time, I’m never ashamed of them. But today, and ever day since my Luca Gold left my life to head home and be with Jesus, when asked this question, a part of my heart has been able to answer in a remarkable way that I never thought possible.
“Today is the most painful day of my life, but my heart is still thriving.”
Maddddd respect for her. I want to be able to thrive when I’m in deep deep pain. I want to be able to say that when it’s a storm in my life. Saying that without any agenda of wanting people to look at me and go “wow, so spiritual” but to really know who am I walking with throughout the storm of pain.
I have chosen to turn around and run towards pain. Like a young boy named David facing an enormous giant, I have chosen to take on the monster named Pain. I have thrown my arms around this current suffering and all the hardships that come with it and have made a commitment to feel everything as the heavy emotions of grief, anger, hurt, and loss steamroll over my soul on a daily basis. I have pledged to learn everything I can inside this fire to equip me to overcome future flames. I have invited the refining nature of extreme heat to consume everything in my heart that keeps me broken.
I have not shut down like I have in the past. I have not medicated through addiction. I have refused to live numb. I have not run to escape.
The very place of my deepest pain miraculously becomes the starting point of my heart’s greatest healing.