Day 1 reading woohooo.

Heart Made Whole

I wanted to read Hosting the Presence – Bill Johnson. But if I don’t take care of my heart, I can’t host the presence. I also realised I can’t stand writing with my hand, so typing would be more efficient. Thank the Lord for computer (*shouts millennial Christian)

*Just a record of my thought process, passages from the book that’s BOMB (as in a good way lol.), what I’m going through, good, bad and in between.

A. (don’t like labelling things, but only way I can keep track)

As I sit in a coffee shop writing these pages just five months after losing my daughter to a condition I didn’t even know existed, called anencephaly, I have already had three people stop by my table and ask with genuine concern, “How are you really doing, Christa?” 

When people have asked me this, most of them expect me to lie, rambling off the cliche answer, “Oh, I’m fine,” to try to avoid an awkward moment. Some might think I will clam up and change the subject, or possibly even burst into tears. And when the uncontrollable tears do flow from time to time, I’m never ashamed of them. But today, and ever day since my Luca Gold left my life to head home and be with Jesus, when asked this question, a part of my heart has been able to answer in a remarkable way that I never thought possible. 

“Today is the most painful day of my life, but my heart is still thriving.” 

Maddddd respect for her. I want to be able to thrive when I’m in deep deep pain. I want to be able to say that when it’s a storm in my life. Saying that without any agenda of wanting people to look at me and go “wow, so spiritual” but to really know who am I walking with throughout the storm of pain.

I have chosen to turn around and run towards pain. Like a young boy named David facing an enormous giant, I have chosen to take on the monster named Pain. I have thrown my arms around this current suffering and all the hardships that come with it and have made a commitment to feel everything as the heavy emotions of grief, anger, hurt, and loss steamroll over my soul on a daily basis. I have pledged to learn everything I can inside this fire to equip me to overcome future flames. I have invited the refining nature of extreme heat to consume everything in my heart that keeps me broken. 

I have not shut down like I have in the past. I have not medicated through addiction. I have refused to live numb. I have not run to escape. 

The very place of my deepest pain miraculously becomes the starting point of my heart’s greatest healing. 

 

 

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“I call you by name”

I GRADUATED TODAY.

I’m so happy and I’m so thankful it’s beyond words. I saw the Big Man just picking up the beautiful flower and giving it to me. I saw him “CMON THAT’S MY DAUGHTER” I saw him so proud. These 3 years has honestly been hell of a ride. I remember sitting in the toilet in year 1 praying telling God to help me love the people. I remember going to school early alone in the classroom praying. I remember walking into the school every morning telling God, “God you need to come. You NEED to come. You need to help all these people. Let your hand be upon this place.” almost every freaking day. I couldn’t care less if people were muslim taoist hate christian buddhist I don’t give a shit who cares I DONT CARE, I remember thinking to myself YOU GUYS GOTTA HEAR THE GOOD NEWS. I also remember my tired moments where I just can’t bring myself to school and I’m just so tired. I also remember I crazy just want to stay at home and spend time with God lol.

I remember Isaac just worshipping and I just saw people lifting Jesus up at lawn and I just started crying like dog in the classroom at cell with kat and alex around.

I remember during internship, God saw me through. Every. Moment. No less. He didn’t step away tho sometimes I FELT like He did. Every time I cried in the toilet, every time I cried in the bedroom. Every time I cried at the altar. Every victory, every praises from the guest, from my boss, from my supervisor. He was there, cheering me on. The only one who saw me through and through and didn’t leave me even when I had STUFF that were so inconvenient. He fights till I’m found. I couldn’t earn it in a million year. I don’t deserve it.  I can’t comprehend. I remember every time I got into trouble at work, He really covered my ass. Seriously…

Even till my last day of intern, there was so much grace. My supervisor freaking cruel left me alone in the lobby. ALONE. SERIOUSLY THE OFFICE ALL NOBODY OK. I got video as proof anw then my director came. Out of everybody my director. At work only 3 people got the authority to let me go home without kenaing anything. my director, my boss (Department head of concierge) and my other department head of rooms. of course director is the most big shot one. He walked past and asked me why am i there. right at the moment when im damn scared cos suddenly a group of men came in and like trying to fix something. i freaking swear i almost cry lol. then he told me to go home and waited for me to change and get my stuff and walked me out of the lobby. he usually not that nice btw hahahah or i think idk him personally or i just think everybody at work are snakes and cobras lol. im super thankful idk what to say

That day when I had interview I went to so many big ass places and I was literally like WOAHHHHHHHHH the entire time. I stepped inside Parkview Square and I literally lifted my head and saw the freaking huge ass beautiful building and the grand statue and the big ass flights of stairs that led me to the entrance of the building everything is so big and grand and just bigger than me and I really felt so small. When I went inside the building there were painting on the ceiling and it’s so so so high and the restaurant like for people who earn 10k per month and i just stood there and i woah and i opened my mouth and stood there and stone and just like took it all in and people were looking at me lol but i didnt care cos i was really like woah. then the security guard smile at me and like “here for interview?” and i was like “hahhaha ya” thinking i confirm look like some noob but who cares. then i went on for the rest of the interview it was all in super big big buildings with everybody in business shirts, office wear crossing the road. and i had to take lift with them and i feel so small. and i kept wanting to cry in the bus cos i felt so small, i saw the magnitude of things and how big the world is (it’s different from the awe when i see oceans and mountains. cos there’s SO MANY PEOPLE) but God still cared about me and right down to the smallest detail. He cares about my STUFF that I don’t even want to revisit. He is my God not only in the good times. He CARES about my future HE CARES IF I’D GET CAUGHT IN THE RAIN DURING MY INTERVIEW DAY. I TELL U I WOULD WALK INSIDE THE COMPANY DURING INTERVIEW AND IT’LL BE RAINING INSIDE AND WHEN I WALKED OUT THE RAIN WOULDVE STOP AND THE FLOOR IS WET. HE KNOWS WHAT MY HEART ACHES FOR AND HE KNOWS I STRUGGLE, HE KNOWS IM TIRED HE KNOWS IM HAPPY HE KNOWS. There were SO MANY people so busy, with business shirt walking here and there here and there, on their phone, walking fast. Big shots people who probably developed the business plans or whatever shit and earn prob like 10k per month fly to so many countries in 1 month, with masters but He still cares about me. He cares about me!!!!!! He knows and calls me by my name how crazy is that!!!!!! This doesn’t make sense!!!!!

That day I finished my interview and was sitting at BK with my sundae cos i very tired and just wanted to like sit and nua and people watch and waiting for bryee. Then there was this guy he was in the wheelchair I really dont know if he wants to move anywhere. But I think he is. And im so chicken i dont dare to ask him cos i scared idk what to do idk how he’ll react. but im just a chicken. So i just prayed and told God, God im a chicken could but could you please send someone to help him. I was a bit upset with so many people walking PAST AND NEVER EVEN SEE HIM THE HELL. And of course upset at myself for being a freaking chicken backside. then i saw everything unfold. this aunty was super nice, she just asked him without hesitating. then bought her stuff, went to her friend then went back to him and helped him move to the place he wanted. HE SERIOUSLY HEAR I TELL U.

“It’s been so long my friend”

Those words sounded so close, full of understanding, not condemning, just like an old friend who haven’t seen each other for a long long time.


What if it isn’t about where I go, but what do I do with the places I go?

There were 2 things on my heart for the gap year.

  1. the “my home, my responsibility” project (haven’t really thought about the name yet)
  2. master drums

Don’t really know where I’m going. But I know my old friend is there, supporting me, cheering me on and giving all the help I need.

20

I have so much to say. But I just want to firstly thank God for this life. I really wouldn’t be alive today to say this if it weren’t for Jesus. Really.

I hate birthdays so much because they just remind me so much of people coming and leaving my life. There were so much bad memories during my birthday, of people hurting me, letting me down and … just so much hurt in general that I can’t even explain. To be honest, I’m still very affected. I still think about those friendships, I still care very much for them. I still think about those lies, and words.

I don’t want any celebrations because of all the troubles/disagreement people have to go through. I feel like it’s not worth that much. Also, I don’t want to be dependable of celebrations/gifts. I like them. I like them so much. But I’ve build a wall between myself and them. So that I won’t feel the pain when someone forgets my birthday.

I’ll just be someone without birthday. The day I stepped into this world will just be unknown and let it be. But happy birthday myself. Good on you for pulling this far. 20.

Help us to remember, You’ve always been a lover

Psalm 116

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
    he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
    I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    Lord, save me!”

Closed my eyes and I saw Psalms 116:4 in my head. This Psalm… My life story. I CALLED upon the name of the Lord, “Help.” and He came. I was OVERCAME by distress and sorrow.

He heard me. He heard my cry for mercy. Hence, He came. I wanted to die. The cords of death entangled me.

For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

and with Your arms around me, filled with

just come home

Have been going through my qt book. This stuck with me the most. I’m just gonna put it here.

 

28 July 2015

1 John 4:19

We love because he first loved us.

Isaiah 43:1

But now, this is what the Lord says —

he who created you, Jacob,

he who formed you, Israel.

Do not fear,

for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name;

you are mine.

“Whatever you have done, whatever you have become,

it doesn’t matter.

Just come home.

Just. Come. Home.

God is a father, if you ask for bread, he won’t give you a stone. He never stops pursuing you.

Hosea and Golmer.

Thoughts Processing 1

Hello, it’s been a while. I love writing and penning (typing) my thoughts down but I always quit things halfway. It’s so bad.

I’m just here at 2am as a tired, but carrying a heart filled to brim to process some thoughts here.

 

I feel that at this point of my life all I want to do is to hide behind God’s back and support Him. Whatever He’s doing, wherever He’s going I just want to follow. I want to take on the Father’s heart. I want to learn to rejoice and grief with people. I want to learn to be so present just like Jesus did when Lazarus was dead. He wept. Him, who knew everything, Him who knew Lazarus could be raised from the dead, wept. Because Jesus was so present.

I want to cheer people in my life on like how Jesus cheered me on when I was at my lowest. I want have people’s back like how Jesus would. I want to be happy just by giving and not wanting to receive. I don’t need any limelight, I want Jesus.

I want to stay hidden in this period of time. I want to be hidden in the heart of Yours. I know I’m safe there. But God my prayer is, I want to take on Your heart, the heart of a Father. I want to learn quiet strength, quiet courage.

 

This internship stint has showed me so much of your faithfulness and favour. You caught me just now. I whispered to myself “God, why are you so good.” You didn’t had to utter anything. “There’s is no reason why I’m good to you” whether I’m empty handed, my hands filled, my hands cleaned, my hands filthy, my pocket filled, my pocket empty, seasons change but You don’t and I’m so glad.

 

Your lovingkindness left me speechless. Even to my toughest day, and I will still use my last breath to whisper “God is good.”

 

 

Heartbeat of the Father

I don’t know why I started crying so badly.

I cried and cried and cried then He held me in His arm like how Aunty Ayelan did when I was bawling at church. But the love was so unconditional and I felt so safe. I felt that nothing can hurt me, I’m gonna be alright, I’m safe. He’s my safe heaven. He held me so close, not tight, not squeezing me, but safe and close. I could hear His heartbeat.

I felt like my heart was engage. It was engage with the Father’s heart. Then I was in the place again. The same Light that saved me. I heard the laughter of aborted children. Don’t ask me how I knew those were the laughter of specifically aborted children. I don’t know.

But heaven is a great place, I’m sure. Love you Jesus. Thank you for letting me dive into your grace, I don’t have to do anything to manifest your presence. I just have to be available, be present. Thank You, Your Love chases me wherever I go. You meet me right where I am.

What a joy I found in Jesus!
What a friend I found in Jesus!

Unpredictable – Destiny

Unpredictable

I saw this word and I let out a little laugh.

If I could describe what my life now is, it would be “unpredictable”. Who would have predicted that I’ll be brought alive to Christ? Not me 3/4 years ago. But today this word was just running in my head.

When Eve ate that apple, the devil took the the keys of hell. I’m so sure he didn’t predicted that God would send His one and only son for redemption, for the keys of hell, for our names to be written in the Book of Life.

Till then when Mary got pregnant, then the devil knew he screwed up, big time. He tried so hard to get rid of the King of kings. He tried so hard. But Jesus took back the key 🙂 And everyday I thank God that I’m able to live. Not just survive, live abundantly free!

When I saw this word, I also thought of where God had been calling me to. I’m still seeing things in pieces (1 Corinthians 13 – For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.), but I know I’m not called to a place, I’m called closer to Him.

Love you very much Jesus thank you for being so faithful, every seconds of my life, through these years.